A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
