ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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