he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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