a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
