And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
