Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
