Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
