Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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