Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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