I feel great
I just peed on a car
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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