I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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