I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
