I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
