next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
