And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
