So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
