im having a threesome with these popsicles
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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