You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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