I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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