Got a toothbrush?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
