dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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