Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
