My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i will never coherently bang her
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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