if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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