Duck Duck Cougar?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Is Oprah even human
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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