I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We got so high we made milksteak
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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