The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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