why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
