the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
