i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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