Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
