I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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