I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
