it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
