I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
