just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Quick, to the slutcave!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
