hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
