Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
