you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize