I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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