If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
