I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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