She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
