I think I died a long time ago.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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