hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
