oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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