Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
