Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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