Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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