I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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