you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
