Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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