anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
