Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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