Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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