Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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