I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
