my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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